Carolyn always wanted to be a mom. The main reason for that was her own mom, Mary. Mary is a mom who was always there for her children. She brought their sports bags to school when they had forgotten them. She made them extra sandwiches so they could share them with their friends. She welcomed anyone who wanted to play or needed a place to stay. She was always great fun and she constantly prayed for her children. Mary set an example of what it means to be a great mother and wife and her example awakened Carolyn’s dream of getting married and having kids herself.
Carolyn was a happy, energetic and sheltered child. But, unfortunately, loss was also part of her life. When she was twelve years old, her older brother died by suicide. From one day to the next, everything changed for her and her family. Thankfully, she had people around her who looked after her and she also had strong faith in God, which didn’t break after what had happened, but grew deeper and stronger instead. But this tragic loss also sowed a seed of fear in her – fear of losing the people that she loved.
After getting a degree, she and a group of friends moved from their home country, South Africa, to Germany, where she helped plant a church in the capital, Berlin. That’s where she met and fell in love with Philipp and they married in 2015. In 2017 their son, Jonathan, was born. Her dream had become reality: she was a wife and a mother, surrounded by people that loved her, and that she loved back, wholeheartedly.
When Jonathan turned one, Carolyn and Philipp decided to have more kids. Carolyn immediately fell pregnant and they were very excited to become parents again and for their son to become a big brother. But after only a few weeks of pregnancy, Carolyn suffered a miscarriage. The heart of her child had suddenly stopped beating. Grief rolled over her like a massive wave and seemed to bury her beneath it. Why did that happen? Why did she lose someone again who, although so small, she already loved so much?
Carolyn and Philipp made it through that valley of grief and she fell pregnant again shortly after, but that child didn’t live longer than a few weeks either. And the same thing happened again and again and again and again. Within two years, they had lost six babies within the first few weeks of pregnancy. Every time, that wave of grief engulfed her and she wondered whether she would ever be able to feel joy or hope again. The sadness and pain were simply too much.
She wrote in her diary: “God could have stopped this, but for some reason, He didn’t step in. Don’t call me “filled with faith”…rather call me “a failure and broken beyond repair,” because I failed to convince God with my prayers. My life was full of joyful expectation before this happened, but now it’s just empty and silent. Why do you call me faithful? God isn’t interested in helping me.”
No matter how much we want to prevent it: Loss and grief are a part of our lives. Ann Voskamp writes in her book, “The Broken Way”: “Great grief isn’t meant to fit inside your body. That’s why your heart breaks. If you haven’t felt this yet, it may be, God forbid, someday you will. There’s absolutely no tidy pattern to who gets pain and who gets peace.”
If grief is a part of our lives, how do we deal with it? And how does God fit into the picture?
Every person grieves differently. We handle pain in different ways, but often the following stages are a part of it: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What definitely is important: there are no rules about what you are allowed to feel or how long your grieving process will last. However, eventually the time comes to move on, to leave the graveside and to walk through the pain into the future. God is able and does want to help us with that.
For Carolyn, grieving her unborn children was a painful and, at the same time, healing process. “You have to move through the pain and the grief. And in order to do that, you will need help. I needed friends who sat and cried with me, and friends who spoke words of truth into my darkness.” Carolyn also experienced healing through her relationship with God: “He was with me in my pain. He sat next to me, put His arms around me and cried with me.” And through His healing touch, she was able to let go of fear and start to hope again.
She wrote in her journal: “God saw me in my shattered state and He came close. Don’t call me “a failure and broken beyond repair”…rather call me “the one whose cup overflows” because God is putting me back together and filling me up with Himself. My life was silent and empty before this happened, but now God is lifting me out of the ashes and replacing those ashes with beauty. Why do you call me broken? God has met me in my brokenness and has given my life purpose and meaning again.”
Carolyn wants to encourage women who have experienced miscarriages and other losses: “Open your heart towards trusted friends and towards God. You don’t have to walk through this all by yourself. Dare to hope again. Your story is far from being finished. God isn’t done with you yet.”
Carolyn, 35, Berlin
Since then, Carolyn fell pregnant again and her rainbow baby is due in July. Last year she had the opportunity to preach at her church about loss and grief. You can listen to her sermon here: https://soundcloud.com/enkb/tragischer-verlust-tragic-loss-carolyn-wiegert
Carolyn was a happy, energetic and sheltered child. But, unfortunately, loss was also part of her life. When she was twelve years old, her older brother died by suicide. From one day to the next, everything changed for her and her family. Thankfully, she had people around her who looked after her and she also had strong faith in God, which didn’t break after what had happened, but grew deeper and stronger instead. But this tragic loss also sowed a seed of fear in her – fear to lose people that she loved.
After getting a degree, she and a group of friends moved from their home country, South Africa, to Germany, where she helped plant a church in the capital, Berlin. That’s where she met and fell in love with Philipp and they married in 2015. In 2017 their son, Jonathan, was born. Her dream had become reality: she was a wife and a mother, surrounded by people that loved her, and that she loved back, wholeheartedly.
When Jonathan turned one, Carolyn and Philipp decided to have more kids. Carolyn immediately fell pregnant again and they were very excited to become parents again and for their son to become a big brother. But after only a few weeks of pregnancy, Carolyn suffered a miscarriage. The heart of her child had suddenly stopped beating. Grief rolled over her like a massive wave and seemed to bury her underneath. Why did that happen? Why did she lose someone that, although so small, she already loved so much, again?
Carolyn and Philipp made it through that valley of grief and she fell pregnant again, shortly after, but that child didn’t live longer than a few weeks either. And the same thing happened again and again and again and again. Within two years, they had lost six babies within the first few weeks of pregnancy. Every time, that wave of grief engulfed her and she wondered whether she would never be able to feel joy or hope ever again. The sadness and pain were simply too much.
She wrote in her diary: “God could have stopped this, but for some reason, He didn’t step in. Don’t call me “filled with faith”…rather call me “a failure and broken beyond repair,” because I failed to convince God with my prayers. My life was full of joyful expectation before this happened, but now it’s just empty and silent. Why do you call me faithful? God isn’t interested in helping me.”
No matter how much we want to prevent it: Loss and grief are a part of our lives. Ann Voskamp writes in her book, The Broken Way: “Great grief isn’t meant to fit inside your body. That’s why your heart breaks. If you haven’t felt this yet, it may be, God forbid, someday you will. There’s absolutely no tidy pattern to who gets pain and who gets peace.”
If grief is a part of our lives, how do we deal with it? And how does God fit into the picture?
Every person grieves differently. We handle pain in different ways, but often the following stages are a part of it: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What definitely is important: there are no rules about what you are allowed to feel or how long your grieving process lasts, and when you need to move on, but eventually, it is good to move on, to leave the graveside, and to walk through the pain into the future. God can and does want to help us with that.
For Carolyn, grieving her unborn children was a painful and, at the same time, healing process. “You have to move through the pain and the grief. And in order to do that, you will need help. I needed friends who sat and cried with me, and friends who spoke words of truth into my darkness.” Carolyn also experienced healing through her relationship with God: “He was with me in my pain. He sat next to me, put His arms around me and cried with me.” And through His healing touch, she was able to let go of fear and start to hope again.
She wrote in her journal: “God saw me in my shattered state and He came close. Don’t call me “a failure and broken beyond repair”…rather call me “the one whose cup overflows” because God is putting me back together and filling me up with Himself. My life was silent and empty before this happened, but now God is lifting me out of the ashes and replacing those ashes with beauty. Why do you call me broken? God has met me in my brokenness and has given my life purpose and meaning again.”
Carolyn wants to encourage women who have experienced miscarriages and other losses: “Open your heart towards trusted friends and towards God. You don’t have to walk through this all by yourself. Dare to hope again. Your story is far from being finished. God isn’t done with you yet.”
Carolyn, 35, Berlin
Since then, Carolyn fell pregnant again and her rainbow baby is due in July. Last year she had the opportunity to preach about loss and grief. You can listen to her sermon here: https://soundcloud.com/enkb/tragischer-verlust-tragic-loss-carolyn-wiegert
